Oi! Carey! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

So yesterday I posted some of my favourite gowns from Sunday night's Golden Globes - the red carpet was a veritable Pick 'n' Mix of style, glamour and lovely, lovely sparkly things. But at any Pick 'n' Mix stand, there's always one type of sweet that nobody wants to pick from because, well, it tastes like crap and nobody wants a foam banana or a liquorice allsort when they can have cola bottles, giant strawberries and midget jems instead, do they? No, of course they bloody don't. But the thing is, they're still there and we still have to look at them and go "bleurgh I hate liquorice!" And that's the point I'm making. Exactly. So here, in all their finery, I present to you, the liquorice allsorts of the Golden Globes.

First off is Helen of Troy, aka Diane Kruger, in Christian Lacroix. Actually, the more I look at this dress, the more I don't think it's that bad... it's just so pink. And I like pink. But that much pink? Combined with the frilly neckline? She just looks a bit like a raspberry ripple sundae, that's all. But then maybe that's the look she was going for?

Jayma Mays in Badgley Mischka

Oh Emma Pilsbury from "Glee", I wish you weren't on my list, I really do, because you're as cute as an extremely cute button. But when you decided to swamp yourself in the spider web fabric you bought at Halloween, you dug your own grave.

For as long as I can remember, Nicole Kidman has terrified me. There's something about her eyes that makes me certain that behind that placid smile, she's plotting to take over the world. As much as I love "Moulin Rouge!" I just can't forget that she is very probably an evil genius. Anyway, all that aside, I hate this Nina Ricci dress, it looks like a a nightie. And not even a very nice nightie. A nightie made by a mad person with a penchant for horrible nighties. Plus, she seems to have gotten even tinier (if that's possible), so she actually looks like a child wearing a nightie made by a mad person. Believe it or not, however, Nicole made Vogue's Top 10 Best Dressed at the Golden Globes list, so maybe it's me who's mad... (I highly doubt it)

Another one I wish wasn't on the list, because normally Penelope Cruz is one of my favourites on the red carpet. But this Armani Prive gown has a bit too much going on; while I actually kind of like the fishtail skirt and the stripey bodice, the cut of the lacey neckline and the sleeves are so aging on her! You know that older woman relative you only see at family parties who wears too much foundation and still styles her hair like it's the 80s? Yeah. Penelope reminds of a hispanic version of her...

Heidi Klum in Roberto Cavalli

Do you ever get the feeling Heidi Klum is actually a bit mad? Maybe the knowledge that she's a super-hot Victoria's Secret model has gone to her head so much, that she just thinks she can wear whatever the hell she wants these days. Well I've got news for you Heidi, it is never ok to walk the red carpet dressed as an extra from The Little Mermaid on Broadway. Ever.

Oh Julia, you're not on my list because this dress is hideous, oh no, it's vintage YSL, it could never be hideous. But when you're on the red carpet and everyone around you is wearing couture gowns, and Heidi Klum is running around singing "Part of Your World", don't you feel just a little bit under-dressed? You're better than this, Julia, you know you are. Food for thought.

Like Heidi Klum, Mariah is another one of those mad celebrities who's never really adhered to normal fashion decorum. But this is a Herve Leger dress. Herve Leger dresses are known for being extreme bodycon to the max. So it's usually a good idea to only go for this look if you're one of those petite, liliputian-type people with small but perfectly formed ummm assets. Otherwise, the result is positively pornographic. Alright Mariah, we can see your Golden Globes, now put them away, PLEASE!